I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
