Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
