So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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