I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
