is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
