I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
