Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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