i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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