dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
