then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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