words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
