I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
