they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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