It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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