I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
