I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
