The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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