I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
