I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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