the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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