I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
