You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
