After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
