i can't believe i had my finger in that
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
