I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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