She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
