Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
