meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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