when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
