it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
