im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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