You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
