I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
love makes seman taste better
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
