just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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