People with herpes should wear stickers.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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