I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
