3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
