Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
