My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
