Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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