Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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