If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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