u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
