Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
