One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So vagazzling was a success
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
