You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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