That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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