I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
