I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
