you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
